missing
Sunday, July 07, 2013
i miss you with every beat of my heart.It's more then what i imagine i could take..Three months being apart.They say 3 months has passed by very quickly and another 3 will come by very soon.But little did they know, with every second,it seems like a minute.With every minute,it seems like an hour.With every hour it seems like a day.With everyday it seems like a week.With every week it seems like a month.And with every month if feels like a year to me.
I miss you so much.And right now, at this very point of time,i wish you're right next to me..Even if it was just for a minute.
I miss dressing up for you.I miss going out on dates with you.I miss being mad at u.I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT U.ABOUT US.:'( Been trying to keep myself busy with work.religion.tapak kudas.tuition.mendaki in hope that by the time i realise,you're already right next to me.But honestly at times,when i have that "alone" time,memories and hopes just comes by filling my thoughts..It's just not easy feigning to be fine and alright when almost each night those tears are the ones that puts me to bed.Insya'allah..time would pass by soon enough before i know it.
Imissyoumylove
Saturday, May 21, 2011
It's 3.37am..Had the intention of finishing ALL my work before helping mummy out later...but somehow or rather,my mind is like 'jamming' up inside..can no longer take in neither can it produce answers to the question for my project,tutorial and lab practical questions..
my sister's boyfrend.i've never met someone whom is willing to give it all in a relationship or rather shud i say it's rare to find a guy who does so..7 years of their realtionship,me and him are no different from a sibling and a bestfrend.He's such a nice guy..He tries to be with my sister no matter how tired,moody,sad,angry or happy..It's like as though nothing else matters to him when he's with my sister.I'm not sure if my other sibling does notice the little things he does for my Sis Nad..
He would always try to be with my sister.When sis Nad is sick in the middle of the night despite his night shift and him being tired,he would still make his way to our house to take sis Nad to the hospital and accompany her. When sis Nad intends to go out and get even just A stuff or two,he would wanna accompany her willingly. He would also take the INITATIVE to take sis Nad out for dinner or supper after work even though he knows that a long day will be waiting for him the next day. He would also text my sis every part of the day to ensure that she has eaten,she is okay and everything is fine..He would also open up his pair of ears willingly and hear my sister sharing or complaining about work,frends,personal stuff and many more... 7 years together and yet it seems that they've only been together for a few months.. with him showering my sister with his sincerest and endless love. It really suprise and amaze me because things and sacrifices done like this are usually the first few months or rather the first 1-2 years of a relationship.But it's already been 7 years.
He is someone whom does not only say that he wants to be with my sister but in fact he SHOWED it..no doubt that he loves my sister and i can count on him to take care of my sister few years down the road.insya'allah!amin!The commitment,initiative is all there..and he need not go around telling people what he has done for my sister for people can see it for themselves...
Okay,back to where i was,school has been very hectic and somehow or rather im thankful that im able to balance everything..Due dates for assignments and quizes are all drawing nearer.
I've been trying very hard to be consistent with my work for i believe whatever i put it, will be whatever that i get and insya'allah i'll get the GPA which i've always aimed for this semester.AMIN!
Sweetheart..Sweetheart has been my pillar of support..In terms of studies and all..When i'm on the verge of giving up,she would encourage and motivate me to continue striving and not to give up..For there's no way one can reach up the ladder with both hands in their pockets..Not only that, she also has always been there for me in terms of emotional support..and never fail to lend a shoulder and opening up her pair of ears whenever i tend to pour out how i feel. I appreciate for the fact that she always gives me idea and suggestions even though at times not..her pair of ears and shoulders are MORE then enough to me...She also NEVER fail to tickle me pink with each passing day..one of the few reasons why i love being around her..She knows what kind of position im in and never fail to paint a smile on my face which without her realising makes me forget about all the sorrows deep inside me...She's MORE then a frend to me..She's even closer to me then my own family..I see her almost everyday for long hours in school and when im home it's like my social sourronding is cut off..mum is busy with her work,abg with his jamming,kak ain and sis nad with both work and partners,adik..adik is the only one whom i always talk to the most but not as much as compared to sweetheart..Thats one of the reason why sweetheart is no different from my own kin..To me she's not only like a sister but everything...The only one whom understads me in and out...The only one whom can tolerate me of my lame jokes and my everything..and i hope the person in her will grow in my boyfrend,the pillar whom i can lean on,pour out my sorrows or when laughing my ass off..it'll still be there for me..and hopefully as time goes by...things will change...because for now,i know i can only count on him..because im not that close to my family...
I've tried.i've tried to share all my feelings with my boyfrend but it somehow seems 'uninteresting' or to put it in a harsher way...he wun be interested to do so...When we meet,we met for only a few hours to carry out our plans and by then..there will be no time to 'share'...He's busy with family,training and work..Especially work lately..I rarely get a text message from him or rather after a text message or two being sent out,i wud only get it back a few hours later..ask me and i say...i miss him badly deep inside:'(
and at times it does disappoint me..the one that i thought i could get the love showered from to compensate for the love which i never had since young is not there..But i cant possibly blame him..he also has his duties to carry out..Never the less i love him for wat he was in the past,wat he is now and wat he will be in the future..
I know wat it feels like not to be loved by closed ones especially family..And since he has it all,i try to complete it as a whole...trying my very best to put in initiative and commitment in our realtionship..I really-really love him deep in my heartand i hope somehow or rather he can feel it.Ask me and i'll say he's my priority to to everything..i would do anything just to be with him...despite me being tired,angry,sad or in any emotion state...for nothing else matters when im with him...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
This weekend is a so called ''bonous'' to me..
Mum didn't ask me to tag along to the shop..
Nevertheless,i didnt took it for granted for i know weekdays will pass and weekends will be here again in no time and im very sure that i will have to help mum when the next weekend comes.Thus,yesterday i went to sweetheart's(Liyana) house and did my Textiles and Fundamentals..Did the research followed by the decoration for my Lifestlye sewing cover..There's still alot more to cover thus im trying to work very hard to complete it by today so that my mind will be carefree since im not sure when can i get an opportunity like this again.But somehow or rather i just cant bear it at the thought of mum working at the shop.i pity her.
it's not about the money,money,money...
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Money..wat is money??
Mum has been busy finding money day and night that without her realising she's neglected her children.I still remember when i was young,mum would drive her van to her work place with me and little brother sleeping behind of the van with two matress laid for us.When mum is in the shop,the back door of the van wud be open for air to come in so me and little brother wun't be hot and as a little girl,i wud constantly peek at mum in the van when she's doing her work.As young as 11,i've been helping mum at her shop.And as young as 7,dad left mum.
Doing a catering business is like earning big bucks in no time.But somehow or rather i see no point in having thoes big bucks in ur hand and ur family is upside down on the other hand.Honestly,when i deliver food during the weekends,i cry in my heart.Not because i'm reluctant to help.I cry because i cant study when others are at home studying.I cry because others are spending time with their family whereas there i am at mummy shop facing the heat,controlling my emotions while being hurl vulgarities at times.And i also cry for mummy,because while i see other mummys spending time with their children,there my mummy is slogging off to find money.
Mum is rich and i mean way too rich and i wonder why is she still working so hard to find more money.I can say it's unfair to her and me and my siblings..It's time for her to retire,it's time for her to settle down,spent time with the family and shower herself with lots of luxuries..And if she does so,my siblings and i can also spent time with her and we can do our things..But that's not the case.money.money.money is all in her mind.she's too obsessed with money and i cant say i yearn the REAL love a mother wud give to their children.For i'm robbed of it since young,i've never really felt wat it's like to sit next to mum,joke with her,spent time with her,laugh with her and do everything with her and thinking about it just hurt so bad.
This is one of the main reason why i wanna study hard,get a good education,good career so i can break out of this.I'm tired and i pity mum and little brother.For little brother always have to hep mum with me during the weekends without fail.I told myself that when i have a family one day,i wun neglect my family especially my children.For as a child,i how how it feels like to be robbed of a parent's love.It's something that one cant imagine.It just hurt so bad thinking about it.And i thought when i have that special someone in my life,the love that i've lost since young wud be filled once again.But i guess it's false hope.What passed nothing can ever make up to it.Whats more,he has his own family to care for..Ouh well,wat more can i ask for??i shud have gotten used to not being loved since young but somehow or rather i'm still in search for the love that i've lost.
Tired,yes i'm very-very tired.my weekends are burnt helping mummy out at the shop.Sometimes till night when it's busy.Even if i were to meet boyfrend,we'll meet in the evening for a short while.On monday,i have school from 9-6 in the evening and when i come back,i have religious class till 10.30pm afterwhich i'll be too tired to study that i head to bed straight.On tuesday i end school at 2pm and when i get home,i take a short nap and after which have my religious class again till 8.30pm.On wednesday i end school at 3pm but when i get home,by then i'll be extremely exhausted.So,i'll have a goood long lost nap if not i'll study...On thursday stat school at 9 till 6 in the evening and again by then i'll be too tired to study,even if i were to study,not much goes into my mind.On friday,i end school at 4pm..that is the day where i can really sit down and study for by then i'll no longer be exhausted.This are roughly my schedule at times i would put in some time for driving lesson and also boyfrend despite thoes busy and tiring schedule.
Mum is someone whom i daren't go against.Studies is something that im working hard for,to give me a good and secured future in time to come.Religious class is something which i hope one day it will lead me back to the right path.Boyfrend is someone whom i hope one day understands me in and out and would be able to lend me his sholuders and be there during time when i need him the most.That's the reason why my schedule every week is so packed.For all of them matters to me..mum,studies,religious class,boyfrend.
I really envy those family whom can spent their weekends together happily and go for holiday or picnic or any outing as planned.I also envy this someone,kak Maria my cousin.She's a fine pretty and elegant white lady.She doesnt have high education just till her N's.But her life now is...She got married when she's 23,have a child when she's 24..She dated her husband when she was 18 for 5 years before they got married.Her husband gave her a good life.They have a shelter over their head,a car to drive them around and the little one.They lead a simple and happy life though they are not rich.Besides that,kak Maria is also not working,her husband is the one whom is providing the family..Which i find kak Maria a lucky person to be with him..They always have family time during the weekends,go off for a holiday...What im trying to say is,wat is money??When u cant buy the love and the time that u cud have spent with ur family..
Well for now,i hope that when i have a family one day...It'll just be as simple as this...I dont ask to be shower with luxuries,i dont ask for a big car to drive,i dont ask for a big house to live in..All i ask for is...the love..which money cant buy...
Insya'allah.Amin.
An also a family which i've envy-ed.My boyfrend family.They live an average life and they are so close and happy together.Even to the extend when boyfrend is with his family,he can not message me the WHOLE day!!!gggrrrhhh..But still,i try to accomodate as i love seeing him spending time together with his family member..I've lack all those feeling that he has..And at times it just hurt when i tot i cud get the love which i never had since young to be showered from him but i just dont get it..I can say he's more to his family..yeap,which at times make me feel like as though i'm an extra in his life.At times i just want him to be with me but that's selfish because..just because i lack the family love which i never had since young till now,that doesnt give me the permission to rob him of his to..And i really admire how his parents brought them up.
Well,all in all,i hope few years down the road,when i have a career and a family..Everything would change...
Insya'allah.amin.
Doing a catering business is like earning big bucks in no time.But somehow or rather i see no point in having thoes big bucks in ur hand and ur family is upside down on the other hand.Honestly,when i deliver food during the weekends,i cry in my heart.Not because i'm reluctant to help.I cry because i cant study when others are at home studying.I cry because others are spending time with their family whereas there i am at mummy shop facing the heat,controlling my emotions while being hurl vulgarities at times.And i also cry for mummy,because while i see other mummys spending time with their children,there my mummy is slogging off to find money.
Mum is rich and i mean way too rich and i wonder why is she still working so hard to find more money.I can say it's unfair to her and me and my siblings..It's time for her to retire,it's time for her to settle down,spent time with the family and shower herself with lots of luxuries..And if she does so,my siblings and i can also spent time with her and we can do our things..But that's not the case.money.money.money is all in her mind.she's too obsessed with money and i cant say i yearn the REAL love a mother wud give to their children.For i'm robbed of it since young,i've never really felt wat it's like to sit next to mum,joke with her,spent time with her,laugh with her and do everything with her and thinking about it just hurt so bad.
This is one of the main reason why i wanna study hard,get a good education,good career so i can break out of this.I'm tired and i pity mum and little brother.For little brother always have to hep mum with me during the weekends without fail.I told myself that when i have a family one day,i wun neglect my family especially my children.For as a child,i how how it feels like to be robbed of a parent's love.It's something that one cant imagine.It just hurt so bad thinking about it.And i thought when i have that special someone in my life,the love that i've lost since young wud be filled once again.But i guess it's false hope.What passed nothing can ever make up to it.Whats more,he has his own family to care for..Ouh well,wat more can i ask for??i shud have gotten used to not being loved since young but somehow or rather i'm still in search for the love that i've lost.
Tired,yes i'm very-very tired.my weekends are burnt helping mummy out at the shop.Sometimes till night when it's busy.Even if i were to meet boyfrend,we'll meet in the evening for a short while.On monday,i have school from 9-6 in the evening and when i come back,i have religious class till 10.30pm afterwhich i'll be too tired to study that i head to bed straight.On tuesday i end school at 2pm and when i get home,i take a short nap and after which have my religious class again till 8.30pm.On wednesday i end school at 3pm but when i get home,by then i'll be extremely exhausted.So,i'll have a goood long lost nap if not i'll study...On thursday stat school at 9 till 6 in the evening and again by then i'll be too tired to study,even if i were to study,not much goes into my mind.On friday,i end school at 4pm..that is the day where i can really sit down and study for by then i'll no longer be exhausted.This are roughly my schedule at times i would put in some time for driving lesson and also boyfrend despite thoes busy and tiring schedule.
Mum is someone whom i daren't go against.Studies is something that im working hard for,to give me a good and secured future in time to come.Religious class is something which i hope one day it will lead me back to the right path.Boyfrend is someone whom i hope one day understands me in and out and would be able to lend me his sholuders and be there during time when i need him the most.That's the reason why my schedule every week is so packed.For all of them matters to me..mum,studies,religious class,boyfrend.
I really envy those family whom can spent their weekends together happily and go for holiday or picnic or any outing as planned.I also envy this someone,kak Maria my cousin.She's a fine pretty and elegant white lady.She doesnt have high education just till her N's.But her life now is...She got married when she's 23,have a child when she's 24..She dated her husband when she was 18 for 5 years before they got married.Her husband gave her a good life.They have a shelter over their head,a car to drive them around and the little one.They lead a simple and happy life though they are not rich.Besides that,kak Maria is also not working,her husband is the one whom is providing the family..Which i find kak Maria a lucky person to be with him..They always have family time during the weekends,go off for a holiday...What im trying to say is,wat is money??When u cant buy the love and the time that u cud have spent with ur family..
Well for now,i hope that when i have a family one day...It'll just be as simple as this...I dont ask to be shower with luxuries,i dont ask for a big car to drive,i dont ask for a big house to live in..All i ask for is...the love..which money cant buy...
Insya'allah.Amin.
An also a family which i've envy-ed.My boyfrend family.They live an average life and they are so close and happy together.Even to the extend when boyfrend is with his family,he can not message me the WHOLE day!!!gggrrrhhh..But still,i try to accomodate as i love seeing him spending time together with his family member..I've lack all those feeling that he has..And at times it just hurt when i tot i cud get the love which i never had since young to be showered from him but i just dont get it..I can say he's more to his family..yeap,which at times make me feel like as though i'm an extra in his life.At times i just want him to be with me but that's selfish because..just because i lack the family love which i never had since young till now,that doesnt give me the permission to rob him of his to..And i really admire how his parents brought them up.
Well,all in all,i hope few years down the road,when i have a career and a family..Everything would change...
Insya'allah.amin.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Been thinking alot this few days..
Imagination running wild..
Thinking about the past,present and my future..
Especially.....
Things were so much beautiful back then..
and im trying to keep things to the way they are but it's not easy cos u need two hands to clap..
I just hope when school reopens,things will be much better...
I'll be occupied with school work and busy schedule..
For i know i have other things to chase in life..
If we're meant to be then we're meant to be no matter how BIG the obstacle we'll be going through..
Thus,i'm gonna stick to my stand..and shud there be any........
I know the one above is deciding the BEST for each and everyone of us..
Thus,i'll let it be as it is.Apart from that i'll also try to do my part to keep 'it' going.
Insya'allah,we'll gonna last...Cos i really-really-really have fallen deep..
Shud i fall out of love,it's gonna take me longer then the previous one before u..
And i seriously meant it,for shud anything goes wrong i've decided to just stick to my career until-until i've decided to settle down..But hopefully thats not the case..AMIN!!
And up till today my love for u will never change neither will it grow lesser for i'll only love u MORE with every air that i breath.i love u b:):)
Imagination running wild..
Thinking about the past,present and my future..
Especially.....
Things were so much beautiful back then..
and im trying to keep things to the way they are but it's not easy cos u need two hands to clap..
I just hope when school reopens,things will be much better...
I'll be occupied with school work and busy schedule..
For i know i have other things to chase in life..
If we're meant to be then we're meant to be no matter how BIG the obstacle we'll be going through..
Thus,i'm gonna stick to my stand..and shud there be any........
I know the one above is deciding the BEST for each and everyone of us..
Thus,i'll let it be as it is.Apart from that i'll also try to do my part to keep 'it' going.
Insya'allah,we'll gonna last...Cos i really-really-really have fallen deep..
Shud i fall out of love,it's gonna take me longer then the previous one before u..
And i seriously meant it,for shud anything goes wrong i've decided to just stick to my career until-until i've decided to settle down..But hopefully thats not the case..AMIN!!
And up till today my love for u will never change neither will it grow lesser for i'll only love u MORE with every air that i breath.i love u b:):)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Well,school is starting soon..gonna spent my last week of holidays with love ones. For the upcoming semester,i just hope that i'll pull up my socks and buck up! No more enjoying and fooling around..Dating included!!Okay i'll be nicer..dating yes,but not always..I'm gonna work very hard and attain that GPA that i've long planned and wanting for..If others can do it why not.If others can balance between family,school,frends,relationships and attain EXTREMELY good results,insya'allah i can do it too!!all i have to do is endure..For,after this semester i'll be out to secondary school to teach for a semester!!my long live ambition since young:)And after i come back,2 more semester before i'll make it to NIE.Insya'allah!Amin!
Well,as for me and boyfrend..Allhamdullilah,everything is okay between us..Anger,Sadness,Disappointment,Enjoyment and all sorts of emotions i've been through while being in this relationship..it's not easy for me as it's my first(and insya'allah,the last) and im still trying to learn..i thank god for we're slowly opening up to each other..He's done much of it and im trying to do the same..but i believe that it'sn gonna take some time as im not the kind whom pours out my emotions..especially when im sad or extremly-extremly angry..for at the thought of it will just break me down whats more pouring it out..I see my future with him and i hope DEE-JA-VU happens!!!hehehehe:p Ask me to tell you about my family and i can tell you,it's gonna be a long journey...
Ask me if i'm happy and satisfied with wat i have now and i can tell you,it's gonna be confusing for you.. But at the end of the day all i know is i'm content with wat i have..
Well,as for me and boyfrend..Allhamdullilah,everything is okay between us..Anger,Sadness,Disappointment,Enjoyment and all sorts of emotions i've been through while being in this relationship..it's not easy for me as it's my first(and insya'allah,the last) and im still trying to learn..i thank god for we're slowly opening up to each other..He's done much of it and im trying to do the same..but i believe that it'sn gonna take some time as im not the kind whom pours out my emotions..especially when im sad or extremly-extremly angry..for at the thought of it will just break me down whats more pouring it out..I see my future with him and i hope DEE-JA-VU happens!!!hehehehe:p Ask me to tell you about my family and i can tell you,it's gonna be a long journey...
Ask me if i'm happy and satisfied with wat i have now and i can tell you,it's gonna be confusing for you.. But at the end of the day all i know is i'm content with wat i have..
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
wow..it's been long since i last 'wrote' on this blog..Been so busy with school especially exams and the so-called 'pre-orientation' thingy..Now i'm starting work tomorrow and next week i'll be leaving Singapore for Jakarta together with Simah and Nisa:)The thought of going there just excites me but come not to think about it...i just dont feel like going for...a few things are holding me back.And yes,one of the reasons is my boyfrend..I just cant bear to part with him..it already aches me even when he's not in my sight.Whats more being so-so-so far away from him...
I just wanna tell the whole world that i love my boyfrend no matter what!for his laughter,for his cranky-ness,for his soft-hearted-ness or rather for his everything!I love him for whom he is without any doubts or second thoughts.The H.M.P is over for us..thus i'm trying my best to adapt to the changes.It's not easy for me.For I've done so many things without him realising and i CHOOSE not to tell him for i dont want him to feel bad or guilty whenever i would do something for him..But few days ago,i just did tell him how i honestly feel and what i've done for him all this while and i hope i didnt hurt him in any way for i have no intention or rather wanna hurt my little baby..Ask me,and i'll honestly say i miss the old times.i really-really do.And i hope as time goes by,things will CHANGE FOR THE BETTER..insya'allah amin!!The only thing is, i hope at the end of the day..i'm not cheating myself when i say 'things will change for the better as time goes by'..And no matter how hard things are gonna get,i'll hold on tight to this relationship.
I love u sincerely with my wholeheart for who you are.
May we last till eternity.
Insya'allah.Amin.
